Aug 21, 2005
Forgive, But I'd Rather Forget
| where i've come from. I can't believe what I've done to myself. I won't believe it and that's my biggest plight. I've dug myself so far down that I don't want my last failure to be trying to dig myself out of this hole. I'm afraid that I will fail. It's almost assured that I'm going to fail. I can't shake the feeling, everything I've done in my life has turned out so mediocre or so terrible I've given it up. I've nothing to show for 19 years. Whatever effort I've put into any activity has come back negative. I've let down so many people that I only wish I could never do that again. Giving up completely will only be a final let down, and I can't even part this world knowing that's what people will think of me. I can't go on with this life the way I am. I can't take coming home to nothing but negativity, the one place I'm supposed to confide in is the one place I cannot. The one place where critcizm runs highest, the one place where and encouraging word is absent. THE ONE PLACE WHERE ITS SUPPOSED TO MATTER MOST. I can't take this anymore. I have to find it for myself, and every time I try every time I almost get there, I fall short, I'm reminded of something I did wrong in the past and it all comes crashing down and it will always follow me. I almost started bawling when I read isabel's last post because its so much like my own life. It's so much just feeling lost and helpless. I know I'm not lost, but I know I can be helped, but nobody that should would. Nobody that has, has been the one that needs to. I feel like crashing; I'm going down and I do know what it takes to get back up, I CAN DO IT. I just dont understand why I'm going to have to disconnect myself from my family, my few friends to do it. It is not the way things are supposed to be. It never is for me. It never will be, here. |
posted by Mike at 4:18 AM
