Jun 29, 2005
I Love:
| smiles, kisses, hugs, fires, thunderstorms, candles, pillows, orange soda, fiddlesticks, baseball, flowers, golf, driving, sunset/sunrise, anything to do with italian food, music, playing bass, playing DoD, cold showers, playful hair, tickling, talking, biking, shooting (yes, real guns), a good book, movies, tennis, cartoons, oranges, salt and vinegar chips, diving boards, slides, swings, trees, big cities, countrysides, the ocean, beaches, chess, jeopardy!, grass stains, skateboarding, skiing, mountaintop views, my cousins (most anyways), hiking, mowing lawns with those old fashioned push mowers with rolling blades, making other people smile, night sky, bbq sauce, concerts, dodgeball, consoling, surfing the blogosphere, naps, kitties, stand-up, art, bad jokes, family guy, the price is right, reading old love letters, writing love letters (none are ever sent), sandals, slip and slides, lite brite. [and cheese, can't forget cheese] (little bored at work and got sick of saying "i hate this" so i came up with a much shorter list of things i love...) |
Jun 26, 2005
The Price of "What If"
| After reading Mike's last post, I came to a realization of sorts: People always look on their past with doubt, regret, and fear. I always wonder why EVERYONE feels this way? Maybe it's because we're too conceited to realize that our choices we made seemed like the best ones at the time. Or maybe we forget that the choices that we made were not entirely up to us. Whatever the stipulation is, know that you cannot look back and say I wish I did that differently, I wish I had DONE it. When you look in the mirror and see you, only you, that makes it all clear. The choices that you've made, made you into the person that you are today. I know I've thought a lot about what my life would've been like if my father and my mother had actually gone through and stayed together. But then you must look at that and know that the rest of your life would not have been the same when you change something that drastic. I would've never moved to whitesboro, I would've never met the two best cousin's a guy could have (thanks matt & adam). I would've never fallen in love with a girl who helped me through the roughest time in my short life. I would've never wanted to go to Fredonia, I would've never found Allison, I never would find the perfect girl that I've always been wanting. I know all these things now because I can look back and say "yeah, I did that". Is there plenty more I could've done with my life, you bet. Am I particularly proud of myself for my actions over the past 19 years? Not all of them, but who is happy about everything in their life? Nobody. Regret is just a long winding staircase that leads to your own personal hell. Look at yourself now and know that somewhere out there, there's someone looking for you and only you. That no matter who it is (be it friend or lover) that what you've done in your past will shape your future actions and make you a better person because of it. Don't look back and wonder 'what if' there's too many things about you today that would change and you would never have the perspectives of suffering, the fear of loss, the thing that everyone calls loneliness (I call it solitude), or happiness. It takes a real man to know which is which, who is who, and why things come to pass the way they do. My archives say "Dont Look Back" for a reason, every time I want to go back and remember what and how I felt, it's just a little reminder, that was yesterday, this is today, pretty soon it will be tomorrow, yesterday has nothing to do with it. |
Jun 22, 2005
Just let me fade away....
| into oblivion. please, i don't ask to be here anymore. I contemplate death so much because I know that I can't continue to live here and I know that I do not have the strength to make it on my own. Trying to grit and just do my best to get out of here turned out to be a flop, I fucked up at Fredonia. Every time I say I'm the one to blame I'm still told I'm wrong and that there's "more you could've done". Tell me, how much more are you supposed to do for a class?: I was getting extra help from a friend in the class, fuck I went to study groups, I just COULD NOT do it. The class was beyond me and everytime I say that you tell me its bullshit and that I didn't put forth any effort. Fuck you. For you to tell me I didn't try when I poured my heart into a class and came away with nothing hurts more than actually failing it. Failing out. Failing life. I'm lost. I'm taking a few days to just leave and get to know who I am and what I WANT. I'm not doing what's wanted of me around here so maybe I'll just find what I want and need the hard way. Who said the hard way is the wrong way? Who said no lessons can be learned that way? Who said it's the tough and stupid way to not heed their warnings. A lesson is a lesson no matter how it's learned, as long as the knowledge is attained and the ignorance is detained I see no problem with how I do things. The hardest part is disappointing you, when I don't even like you. |
Jun 21, 2005
There Goes the Neighborhood
| Well the whole 'love' thing didn't go over so well. I must say that after meeting all of the people I have, she's still the greatest woman I've ever met. I hope for the best with you my love. I'll always think about you, I'll always have you on my mind. This is what I did at work tonight: My heart beats further longing for another kiss my one last wish for you to find happiness. My eyes search yours as our hands explore our bodies at war but only in subtleness. My lips graze and lock tasting the sweetness of one last kiss from the one I love. Everything just seems a compromise compared to you my dear. Back to alone-ness. |
Jun 20, 2005
Girls Are Evil
| How come my mom only buys wine coolers? How come they confiscated all my beer and cigarettes?!? Fucking A. Now I'm doing the only thing I can right now; eating. I need Montreal more than you can possibly imagine. I need some fucking clarity as to where I stand with people, nobody likes to tell me whether or not I'm still on their good side, whether they want me in their life. I can't keep contemplating, I need answers. OK, decision time, I'll be back to post how many wine coolers it takes to get me drunk... |
Jun 18, 2005
$
| I was never one for birthday parties, probably because mine all sucked. See, my birthday always falls withing a couple of days of father's day, meaning that every party that I had was always thwarted by the fact that every child was expected to spend the entire weekend with their respective father-figure. Then there's the family party, yes it was great seeing the family there to spend the day together, but it wasn't MY day. Father's day warrants gifts and cards and destroys the principles of a birthday party. Maybe its selfishness, but doesn't our experiences with others' celebrations train us to expect the focal point of the day? Throughout my childhood and early adolescence I had toughest time coming to terms with this revelation. Then, when I hit the age of 16 I recieved money in cards, that's all. I tell you I could've went tazmanian devil on everyone there. I told my mother the THREE items I desired on that day. But no, instead I got cards, some with cash and some by check. It defied and destroyed everything about a birthday. For the past two years I've gone down fighting about having a party. It sucks, I've asked for two things this year and I'm sure my requests will be met with more cards and money. They say money doesn't buy happiness, except on your birthday. |
Jun 17, 2005
I'm Gonna Mangle You
| If one more person says happy birthday to me I WILL NEVER SPEAK/TYPE/ANYOTHERFORMOFCOMMUNICATION WITH YOU EVER! This is also a good time to point out that I will not be in attendance of Blogstock '05. Unless I can come up with a miracle and put together some $200+ dollars in the next week... any ideas? |
Jun 15, 2005
Sonofabitch.
 Take that mr. ciavarro half man, partial nerd, totally pathetic. (i'm probably going to get more naked men on here now because of that, chad's gay too). You best take the quiz and let me know what you got... |
Jun 12, 2005
Extremely Bored...
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