Apr 10, 2006
The Stapler Toss
| So the weekend was full of ups and downs and no matter what anyone says they were all fucking hilarious. My tale starts at about 10pm EST on Friday night. To be greeted by the world famous Patrick Pitt, Chad Ciavarro, Mike Grimshaw, and Mr. & Mrs. Hamm. Pitt started my 5 month sobriety's downfall in the right fashion. A double Jameson on the rocks to start things off. A few beers later I proposed Mr Grimshaw do his worst and order me the worst drink he could think of... Tequila + Tobasco sauce = Prairie Fire + burning sensation and it was fine going down... but ten minutes later while walking to Pitt's car my lungs started deteriorating. After saying adios to Jeremy and a riled up Nori (my bad), we hit up The Brass Rail. Real classy joint... until you order a couple beers then get a lapdance and can't remember how much you actually paid the stripper (my bad). Instead of the $50 and $20 I thought I had in my wallet it turns out that I grabbed only two $20s and she came back to the table and let us know about it. Embarassing moment. Travel back to Pitt's flat was intruiging as we managed to hit every speed bump and divot in the streets... it was all just a clever scheme to grab shotgun from Chad. After arriving back to Pitts I was a complete and utter waste of oxygen and I needed some rest... unfortunately for me those two weren't done drinking and finding new uses for peanut butter. Fortunately for me I wasn't actually sleeping when they tried fucking with me, I was just in that almost-coma/slightly-awake-but-can't-open-your-eyes state. The next morning was fun.   Pitt on the phone with Outlaw and ditching her phone call for a game of NHL 06 vs the master. After I tore him a new one... the outlaw tore him a newer one. We then proceeded to Pearson International to recieve the well hung blogger mogul, Tony Pierce. After reception downtown was passed up... for a cozy lounge and a couple drinks and orderves with the soon to be married couple. It was great company and hearing someone actually talk in serbian dialect only made Pitt's mockeries of it the night before more hilarious.After a few compliments and a few jokes later I feel I'm in better standing with the outlaw than I was before (how about that).  Packing it in we headed to Waterloo. The Best Western was then invaded and claimed in the name of Drunkards. Few beers and a few pizzas later Raymi and Phil were contacted and we left for the Matt Good show in the Starlight. Sidestage was great considering Raymi kept passing gas and beers seemed to float out of nowheres into my hand. The encore/duet/cover was, in my opinion, the best song of the night! "Hurt" by NIN. After the show I'm blindsided with a hug from yet another out-of-towner: Gwendalynn. Even though she's a total bitch and keeps blocking me on her blog I know deep down she loves me. She knows it too. We piled back into a taxi and returned to the Western to properly christen our room. From "The Cia-saunter" to "HEY I'M ASHTON KUTCHER" to "Phil the bottle opener" to "Launch the Mountee" to the bars!! Cuz we're out of beer anyway... Raymi and I almost had simoltaneous heart attacks as Pitt tried explaining to our cab driver what a celebrity he is and how his website has created pandemoneum across the tundra. We then endured the mob rushing our cab. First bar... no hats (to tony's displeasure) and nobody under the age of 21... but in Canada it's 19... sorry house rules, I only enforce them... so we enforced to go to a different bar. A bar named "Filthy McNasty's" is indication enough that you should leave and never come back. Being told that last call was "20 minutes ago" by a 4 foot girl was rather irritating. So we were Givin'er in Kitchener. Started drinking again in the strip club and 3 beers later Tony had his lapdance, Px was defeated in armwrestling by Ciavarro, and Raymi wants to arm wrestle me... so I let her win the first time "oooo yeah she's the champ", etc. But no, once isn't enough for her!! So I proceeded to beat her in this little competition two times. We head outside and that's where the shit almost hit the fan. We're waiting for a cab and hotdogs are being passed out on the grill and Chad [being in the drunken stupor that he was in] hands the whitest, shortest, geekiest, wiggerest kid a ketchup bottle upon request. The 5'3" moron with the crooked white Yankees cap proceeds to do nothing but sit there and spray it on Chad and Tony... after a couple of intimidating stare down seconds and also scoring with the dude's girl Tony works an apology out of him. Which probably saved the kid's life because Chad, Pitt, Tony and myself were all on the verge of beating the everloving shit out of him. Fucking wiggers. Return to hotel... crack another beer.. only take two sips because it's now 3:30am and I have to be on a bus by noon. Watch Pitt pass out with beer in hand. Talk sports for a half hour with Chad and hit the deck.  The guys... after I missed my bus and we decided to make it to lunch. |
posted by Mike at 5:35 PM
