Jul 13, 2008
Buried
| Memories. It's what happens when you don't talk to someone for a good 3 years. You bury the memories, you bury the feelings, you bury your heart. You tell yourself they belonged to that person and nobody will ever dig up or stir that grave. Just so happens that when you put off a "keep off the lawn" sign up, all the kids in the neighborhood come running. And that's kind of what happened. I tried to be just friends with a few girls after that, they didn't seem to want to take to that idea. So each one, in turn, did their best and each one failed quickly. I was still stuck and afraid. I went away to college, got laid, got drunk, got kicked out, thought I was in love with this great girl while I was there, didn't matter. Came home, was alone for almost a year. Just started to get my feet under me and another girl comes in and tries to make me shovel up that tombstone and it just didn't work. You can't force something like that, you don't force trust. But then I started talking to someone who made a lot of sense to me. He told me things that I already knew, but he also told me that what I was doing was right. I had never been told that in my life. I lived with self doubt for too long. Just that little bit of confidence got me into a whole new groove. I was finally able to put myself out there again to a girl. She was one of a kind. She made me laugh on a daily basis and could beat me at my own sarcastic game. I would dream about her, I guess that was as close as I could get for the time being. I changed my plans for how I thought my life was going to pan out. I figured I'd finish 2 years of college and leave. Start somewhere new with her. But as it started to get close to decision time about just what my next move would be, the luster and novelty of you wore off. And someone I considered just a friend, someone whom I thought I could help. Because I do that when I see a person in a rut. I met her and it was just like a switch was flipped and I couldn't help myself. I probably rushed things a little fast, but fast is fun. It was fun and amazing and life, again, took on a new shape and a new plan. I applied to a 4 year school, I thought this girl could be the last one I had to work up the courage to talk to. I fought everyone who said I was stupid, I fought my own father's opinion, one that I've never questioned before, for her. That's how I knew I was in bad. Everything and one could do what they wanted, I had her. I thought I would always have her. Maybe that was my downfall, maybe it wasn't. But after endless fights over nothing, not being able to forget wrong, nor how terrible I felt when I didn't need that extra stress, I couldn't handle it anymore. I figured she'd leave, she stuck around even after I closed up shop. So I deserved to lose her. I know and admit that. I deserved better, I deserved a little more clarity over the past few months of where I stood. But mind games are a female sport. But now after all the thoughts of the bad are muffled and stupid in comparison to all the good. How everything just a year ago was incredibly better than it is now, drives me insane. It is the reason why I doubted myself in the first place. How I need to get this all out before school starts again. Why being unemployed is fine with me. Because I break down in the middle of the day, I don't sleep at night. I hurt so bad that, mentally, I can't handle responsibility. Digging up that grave that I thought I'd let my emotions let rest forever in was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I'd do it all over again if I had to. Not time, not distance, not hate, not misunderstanding, no difference, will ever take me away from the love I had for you. It won't ever be matched again. You turned me on. You turned me off. |
posted by Mike at 7:20 PM
