Sep 3, 2008
Pull You Closer
| It might just be the sappy Italian in me, but all I want is that feeling back. Like maybe there's something and someone out there that's going to make getting up and giving a shit not seem like a stretch of the imagination. But then again, I do recall what's come of every time I did feel that way. Yes, I have fear of abandonment. I went to kindergarten and I cried, it was just strange. I was scared, I don't know why, I had been going to a day care before that so it wasn't new seeing my mom drop me off and leave. But I cried anyway. I haven't let more than 2 people in my entire life get close to me. Into that area where I can tell them what I really think about life and where I've come from and the thoughts that have prolonged my existence. Both of those situations have turned out exactly the same. I feel that the person I've been able to confide in ever since the tragedy that was the end of my high school career is no longer a person who understands who I am or what I want to become. So I feel like the highway that is my head is closed down. I'm intolerant again. Not just of stupidity, but of the people that cry for help, the people that abuse, the people that use. Because that's all helping can really be, a vehicle to get used until you're not needed anymore. Anyway, all I want is to be happy again. I think I can be, for the first time ever I feel I deserve it. I do owe and am thankful for it. But then again I do recall how expecting life to be shitty and it turning out to be so would be more fun and expected so I could make the best of it. Now it just fucking sucks, like always, but now my perspective is different. And the people who look at it differently are still stupid, I'm still good at everything that I do. I'm still only right about people when it comes to the bad things. I can still make people laugh, whether it's at me or at life makes no real difference. A smile is a smile and it's worth giving someone a better day. But as I've said, there's no real way back in, I am not a forgiving person like that. You can cross me and I can let it go, but when you're in my head and don't like what you see, there's no forgiveness for that. You truly don't like who I am on the inside, then that is where you need to stand. Accountability for who you are and what you think is something that I only see out of maybe two or three people I've known in my life. Those are the people that I admire, those are the people that I want to associate myself with. The people who never have to say sorry, the people who say and do what they want, when they want to because that is the only real way to live life without regret. I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, but all I do know is that the paths to my head and heart is easily navigated when you're delivering pizza. |
posted by Mike at 2:05 PM
